Life Beyond Homeschooling

No, I am not retiring from our homeschooling lifestyle as of yet.  We will continue this homeschooling journey until I know in my heart that we need to seek a new direction.  Reagan is in a prime learning period.  She is picking much up at a rapid pace so we will continue on learning together.

I am encouraged (but not surprised) by studies that show that cognitive skills continue to develop with increasing age in individuals with Down syndrome and, in fact, they may be more developmentally ready to learn when they reach young adulthood.  (Down Syndrome Across the Lifespan, Chapter 7)

So, for right now, we will continue on this path.

Sometimes, my mind travels beyond homeschooling.  I have so loved this period in my life.  What will I do when I do retire?

What will I do with that big hole in my heart left by the passion of living and learning with my girls?

I must admit to some trepidation when my thoughts move to the future.  But not to fear. 

New, strange, exciting things are coming into my life.  For most of my life, I did not believe I had an artsy bone in my body. 

Now, I am driven to write.  In the past, I have written many informational kind of pieces.  I have written much about my passion for homeschooling children with down syndrome.  My free e-book Homeschooling Children with Down Syndrome has been read by over 16,000 people in the various places it is available.

So very grateful for the journey!

I have written many pieces for our regional homeschooling association creating awareness for those of us homeschooling children with special needs.  It has worked.  For the first time in a long time, we will have workshops at our local convention targeting those of us homeschooling children with significant special needs.

Now, I am driven to write stuff that is kind of off the wall for me - creative writing and something akin to poetry.

Now, I am obsessed with my camera and photos - some of which I share here.

All I know is I must create.

I know my work isn't all that good but a new phase has begun and a new path is forming!

Seeking beauty and spreading hope have become my passion.   Perhaps it always has been but now I am driven in a different way.

I want people to know that hope and healing are inevitable.  No matter what the crisis you face - God waits for you to bring Him your heart and soul, your tears and your pain - to give it all to Him.  He will create something new and beautiful of all that we endure here on earth.

I know God is at work in me.  As I transition into a walk on a different path, I find I am not lost but only finding a new direction.

And I find that exciting!

Living Dreams in Fleeting Moments

What did you dream for your unborn children?

Most people think about gender, hair/eye color,  the nursery...

They may pray the baby they carry is healthy.

What did you do of when your child safely entered the world?

Most get a beautiful healthy child on delivery

Marvel at the perfection of the gift before them.  

They cry tears of joy

And share their wonderful news.  

Then they move on dreaming typical dreams

Play dates, dance lessons, t-ball practice, schools...

Their children grow and develop as typical children do.

What if...

...your child is born with a severe heart defect?

...your child is born with Trisomy 18?

...your child is born anacephaly?

Grief envelops your heart

Dreams evaporate

Prayers change

A new reality forms

You learn to live in the moment

Because the next might not come

Every moment is the dream

Making it last as long as it can

Imprinting precious memories

Of fleeting life and love

On your heart

To carry with you to eternity

Where hope lives

Righting Wrongs - Healing from Adversity

In my last post, Loving My Life, I shared briefly much of the adversity I have faced and how a grateful heart turns sadness into contentment - even joy!  As I ponder the path I've taken, the person I've become and the life I'm blessed with, I look at the lessons I've learned along the way.

The greatest lesson I've learned is to look for the lesson!  There is always something to learn from our circumstances and work to make something good come out of adversity.  This introspective self (me) ponders circumstances naturally.  I was born that way and can't seem to shake it.

Yes, I had a difficult childhood.  My children only know safety, stability, love and affection. My childhood made me determined not to repeat history.  A wrong righted!

In my experience, righting wrongs brings healing. To remain a victim of circumstances may possibly perpetuate the cycle of abuse and contribute to depression.

Don't get me wrong - I'm not a perfect parent.  I get tired, distracted, cranky.  I even raise my voice on occasion - mostly because of my own state of mind.  But my intention and focus is on not repeating the mistakes of my parents, and their parents, and their parents...

My parents had multiple affairs during my childhood and young adult stages. The ripples of pain flowing out of adultery affected me deeply.  I've made my marriage a priority.  I vowed early on to making my home a home where faithfulness is true and love and peace reign.  A place that is to be an escape from the madness that the rest of the world has become.  I know the sweetness of a good marriage, to a good man who shares my love for the Lord.  I find that an amazing gift - for our whole family. 


We don't live perfect lives.  I and aware of and understand much of my brokenness in the little things and the big things.   We are called to live and serve in a broken world.  It is impossible to serve effectively unless we understand our own brokenness.  Otherwise, we place ourselves above the broken and are unable to truly serve.

I've known devastation in the death of my children - but therein lies my strength.  What God put together in me as a new creation, reborn from devastation, was woven in Him and by Him.  I am, not by my own strength, but by His.  I faced the worst with Him and have been healed through Him.  God is good.  All that flows from Him is good and because of that I know a miracle!

I am the miracle.

My husband, children on earth and my children in heaven would want me to be healed and whole - and to tell the story of God's love for them and our family.  Perhaps I didn't get my prayers answered as Michelle was dying or for the wee one I only knew in the love and anticipation of another child growing in my womb but God loved us through all the joyful as well as the pain, sadness and healing.

I am a better mother, wife and friend because of adversity.

God is not the cause of pain and suffering.  A sinful, fallen world is the cause of all pain and suffering.     Our God, The Great Physician, is the source of healing.

I am assured of His continuous presence and know that He loves me in my angst and in my contented state.  An ever faithful God who loves unconditionally, heals without hesitation and bestows grace and mercy to all.  He calls us beyond our circumstances tell His story.  Love, healing and miracles require a response beyond gratitude.  I would love to hear your story!

She's Not One of Us...

Words spoken by my  family

Parent, siblings to all they can reach

No, they aren’t talking about my daughter

Unique, Born to love

And not like them

They are talking about me

Rejected by those who are supposed to love and support

But instead seek to hurt and destroy

My crime?

Striving for holiness

In my brokeness

I choose good over evil

I choose love over hate

I choose joy over sorrow

I choose optimism over pessimism

I choose kindness over sarcasm

I choose peace over destruction

I choose quiet over gossip 

I choose authentic over mocking

I choose healing over bitterness

Not perfectly, but imperfectly me

Thankful that I am not like them

 I’ve always known

To whom I belong

A child of God

An object of my Father's love

Healed and transformed

New everyday

In His unceasing love

Kidnapped?

I grew up in a time of innocence. I lived in a small town in the Midwest where everyone knows everyone. We lived in a modest ranch home with a small fenced backyard. Across the street was a field planted with corn and far into the distance was a wooded area.

During those idyllic times, mothers sent their children out to play after breakfast and didn’t worry about the dangers we know exist today. In my childhood home, we were sent out after breakfast and wandered in randomly for lunch. Most of the time made our own sandwich – then back out for fun in the neighborhood until dinner time. My mom was very busy during my early years with four of her five children born in five years. She was either pregnant or caring for a newborn during this time.

There were few rules – don’t play in the street, come when you're called, don’t go into the cornfield and never, ever enter the woods.

I have no recollection of the year this event occurred. I don’t associate it with anything but a carefree summer. Given what I can recall, I would say I was four or five years old.

Early one day, my younger sister and I were outside playing. Two teenage boys approached us. They were familiar but I didn’t know their names. I felt no fear thinking they were just going to pass by but before I knew it, I was hoisted upon the shoulders of the taller one and my sister on the shoulders of the shorter teen. Off we went into the forbidden cornfield and, to my horror, into the woods. We eventually reaching a little wooden shack - perhaps a clubhouse of sorts or a hunting shack. I remember cowering on the unfinished wood floor trying to comfort my sister who was sobbing hysterically.

My next memories are of being set free and the huge sense of relief. We knew we were in big trouble for going into the forbidden woods and decided to never tell a soul. We returned home where we hadn’t been missed at all.

I cared enough over the next few years to learn the names of the teens and where they lived – just blocks away. For years, I wanted to knock on their doors and tell their parents what they had done but knew that would start a chain of events that (in my immature mind) would get ME in trouble.

Was it a prank or did something sinister happen? I don’t recall and don’t want to know. Today, the event seems small and insignificant. I am safe and secure in the one Truth – the love and saving grace of our Lord Jesus Christ.

Looking Back....

"Share your personal history...before you were a home educator. What was life like? Think about things you miss and things for family have gained."

What was life like before I was a homeschooling mom? I guess that would be the time before I had children!

Before kids, I was an emergency department(ED) RN at a Level 1 Trauma Center. I loved my job but it was very demanding of me physically and emotionally. Every afternoon I would go to work and find my name assigned to first trauma - meaning I would get the first trauma that came through the doors. The first trauma generally arrived fairly early in the afternoon/evening. The average time per trauma patient was 4-6 hours unless their injuries were so life threatening and they went quickly to the operating room.

I took care of people of all ages - from newborn babies to the elderly. It was never boring and always challenging. I often wonder since leaving just how I did it for so long....all the pain and suffering of humanity right there every day.

I used to save lives - now I nurture souls growing my children in faith and knowledge as a homeschooling mom. My work today is much more rewarding. The investment I make today in my sweet girls will reap benefits for this life and all eternity. Today I know plentiful hugs and kisses (still!), the secrets of their hearts, their prayers to the Lord. I hope they will be well prepared for life as adults - ready to face the trials that will surely come and the joys of all the blessings of this life with strong faith that the Lord will always be there to provide.

Are You Using Your Spiritual Gifts?

"Now there are varieties of gifts, but the same Spirit,
and there are varieties of service, but the same Lord (Jesus Christ),
and there are varieties of working, but it is the same God (the Father)
who inspires them all in every one.
To each is given the manifestation of the Spirit for the common good."
1 Corinthians 12:5-7

As part of my Lenten journey, I am revisiting my spiritual gifts. Have you ever taken a spiritual gifts test? I took one many years ago - promptly filed in a church filing cabinet somewhere. I thought, then, that they (?) would call me if/when they found a place to use my gifts. No one ever called...

As I've matured, I decided that it is my responsibility to recognize, grow my gifts and be more open to the Holy Spirit to utilize my gifts. We are all gifted with spiritual gifts - defined in Holy Scripture - if we claim them. God created each of us uniquely and for a purpose...and then equips us to fulfill His purpose with unique spiritual gifts.

For the sake of clarity, it might be best to define and categorize spiritual gifts (which may vary slightly by denomination) into three categories related to God's revelation in creation, proclaiming the Gospel and the supernatural workings of God:

God's Revelation in Creation

Giving - cheerfully & generously beyond their tithe
Hospitality - can really make people feel at home
Mercy - demonstrates empathy through action toward those who are troubled
Voluntary Poverty - consciously maintain a lower standard of living than they can afford
Knowledge - able to develop new ideas valuable for the church
Organization - understands goals for specific areas of ministry and makes effective plans to reach those goals
Wisdom - help others to apply existing knowledge to specific situations
Artistic Creativity - dance, art, music, writing
Craftsmanship - anyone skilled with their hands
Music - singing & playing music

Proclaiming the Gospel & Helping People Grow in Knowledge of Christ

Evangelism - communicate the Gospel to non-Christians leading them to faith
Missionary - able to utilize gifts in another culture
Apostle - spiritual leaders recognized inside & outside their church
Counseling - serves others through comfort, admonition & encouragement
Leadership - able to set goals for the church AND communicate them so people volunteer to achieve them
Shepherding- able to assume long-term personal responsibility for the spiritual well-being of others
Teaching - able to communicate the Truth in a manner that helps others learn
Helps - used to lighten the load of others
Service - offer the gift of service to meet goals
Singleness - able to exercise gifts content in singleness

The Supernatural Workings of God

Faith - able to discern, with an unusual degree of confidence, the will of God
Prayer - pray for concrete requests over long periods of time
Suffering - enables Christians to suffer for their faith while maintaining a joyful, victorious spirit
Discernment - able to distinguish between truth & deception
Interpretation - interprets the messages sent in tongues
Prophecy - serve as the vehicle for divine messages and communicate it to others
Tongues - able to use a language they have never learned in prayer or for a public message
Deliverance - able to help others suffering from demonic oppression
Healing - serve as God's instruments for restoring the health of others without medical tools
Miracles - serve as human instruments through whom God performs powerful acts that surpass natural laws.

Are you using your gifts from the Holy Spirit, sent to strengthen us in service, to build the faith? My strongest gifts, according the the test I took, include prayer, suffering, mercy, faith, miracles and knowledge. Maybe I found the best environment to use my gifts in homeschooling my children...

When we use our gifts, we no longer have to rely solely on our human wisdom and understanding to carry out our commitments to God and His beloved children.

Valentine's Day...

Is also Congenital Heart Defects Awareness Day. Did you know that less than one percent of children (7 in 1000 births) are born with congenital heart defects(CHD)? I have had 3 live births and two children with complex heart defects.

My oldest, Michelle, was born with pulmonary atresia, ventricular septal defect, hypoplastic (absent left) pulmonary arteries - a severe form of Tetralogy of Fallot. Her life was a marked by a series of surgeries and procedures with intervals of relative peace and normalcy. My life was filled with prayers for as much time as I could have with her. When she passed away after a courageous battle for life, I was totally devastated. I took a great deal of comfort that she was in a place where there are no tears, there is no pain - healed and in heaven.

I think the hardest part of losing a child is learning to live this life again without them. She left a huge void in my heart when she went home to our Father in heaven. I resisted learning to live without her. In my irrational, grief muddled mind and with a broken heart I did not want to let go of her. My faithful Lord and Savior walked with me on my journey in grief, making me new in Him, gently bringing me to a place where I could step out and risk life and love again.

Fast forward a few years and Miss K. entered my life - beautiful, healthy and strong! Her only hospitalization was at birth and we didn't stay long! She only saw the pediatrician for well-child visits and immunizations. She gave me a taste of what might be a "normal" life as a mother. Now I know what it is like to parent a delightful teenager!

Not long after that I had a miscarriage discovered 10 weeks into the pregnancy - another devastating loss for me. Once again my dear Savior was there to guide us through our grief.


Two and a half years later my youngest, Miss R., was born. We had no prenatal testing other than routine sonograms to avoid any risk to our newest blessing. Back then the risk of miscarriage from amniocentesis was about 1 in 200. The results of any prenatal testing would not affect our decision to carry this beloved child to term. We waited with great expectation to meet her. She was delivered at a local community hospital - delivered by my dear hubby - after a short, uneventful labor. I knew immediately that she had Down syndrome (DS) and within an hour the pediatrician and pediatric cardiologist were examining her. Approximately 50% of children with DS are born with congenital heart defects. Deep waves of grief came - not because she had Down syndrome but because the echocardiogram showed a heart defect common to children with DS. Could I again live with all that goes with CHD - the anxiety waiting for repair and fear of losing another child?

Mother Teresa said - I know God will not give me more than we can handle, I just wish He wouldn't trust me so much - this my heart cried out too...

A few months passed, filled with feeding issues and appointments with various specialists. My whole life was devoted to feeding this beloved child and chasing after a very active toddler. I pumped breast milk, gave it by bottle, and nursed her 24 hours a day. I tried to hand over my anxiety to the Lord without much success but I felt His presence deeply as I worked to get her up to a safe weight for surgery.

Did you know it doesn't get any easier to hand your children over to the nurse who takes them into the operating room? I've lost count of the times I have had to hand my babies over. At three months of age Miss R. was ready for her repair. The repair was a complete success though complicated by complete heart block. She had a permanent pacemaker (a major procedure in infants - unlike adults where it is relatively minor) placed 10 days later. The pacemaker has little effect on our everyday lives - we do monthly telephone transmissions, visit the cardiologist every six months and occasionally Miss R. needs a pacemaker tune-up with a visit to the operating room. She is my Energizer kid!

I've known twenty plus years living with CHD. I call myself blessed for the time I have known with my children. I call myself blessed by the technology that gave me that time. I call myself blessed by the professionals who used their God-given talents to give me that time. I call myself blessed by their caring and concern over the years. Thank you, Lord, for placing them in my path - I've known the best of the best!

And the God of all grace, who called you to his eternal glory in Christ, after you have suffered a little while, will himself restore you and make you strong, firm, and steadfast. To him be the power for ever and ever. 1 Peter 5:10-11

Weekend Blessing

This weekend I attended a quiet day for clergy and seminarian wives - my first. What a blessing the day was for me! The day was led by a wonderful (and very holy) retired bishop in our diocese. The topic - why we are important to God. The day consisted of three talks The first about the joy God takes in creating us and our uniqueness. The next talk was on how He loves us so much he sent His son to redeem us in our fallen state. The last talk was on how we are glorified on earth and how we will be glorified in Heaven. Each talk was followed by 35-40 minutes of silence.

There were so many gems in the form of Holy Scripture and insights into what God wants for us - and into the joy we bring to Him. I have been mediating on the following statement since the retreat ended:

We become what we love and who we love shapes what we become.

I love the Lord. I want to love as He loves - unconditionally and compassionately without compromise. I'll probably never reach my goal in this human state. I know just how inadequate and sinful I am but the world is needy - it needs God's love and we are put here to give it and bring others to Him.

I picked up a little jewel as I worked in the church gift shop this weekend - Prayertimes with Mother Teresa, A New Adventure in Prayer by Eileen Egan and Kathleen Egan, O.S.B. I can't wait for a little time alone with this book! I so admire Mother Teresa and her ability to care for the poorest of the poor with unconditional and compassionate love - the love of Christ.