The Vicar’s Wife and Her New Hat – What I’ve Learned So Far

I wear many hats as a wife, mother, homeschooler, clergy spouse, friend, daughter, and sister.  As with most roles, there is no manual on how to perform the roles we assume in the best manner.  My newest role as clergy spouse has been a role filled with seemingly unknowns.  There were no classes in seminary as to how to walk alongside my husband as he shepherds God’s people.

In retrospect, I can see how I have been formed for this role.  God put people in my life to bring me where I am today.  Like my husband, the good Lord equips those He calls for the journey.  Never fear that you won’t be equipped for the call.

My Formation

I have experience in church leadership - served on the vestry and various committees - and have been very involved with the youth and Altar Guild.  I knew how things worked as we serve the Lord in worship, in the community and in the hierarchy of the church.   

If we are truly blessed, we have a mentor to talk with and learn from.  I’ve had a few slip in and out of my life over the years – women for whom I have a profound respect, as they support and minister alongside their husbands.   Their fleeting presence had a huge impact on how I viewed my new ministry.

As we prayed about the call and then, in obedience took the call, I became a student of other priest’s/pastor’s wives.  I found I admired those who had a gentle presence – those who did not, in a sense, compete with their husbands or parishioners in ministry.  After all, this role isn’t about me.  It is about supporting my husband and the strengths of those who already at work in the Body of Christ – not taking the place over because I might be able to do it better however unlikely that would be.  When others work to glorify God, let them grow according to God’s will.  My gifts will be used in as God sees fit when He sees the need.

I admired those wives who lead by example.  They walk in the Word – not perfectly because none of us do.  They love people, express love and show them how to love others.  Not every person is easy to love.   Nonetheless, the difficult people make the Body whole and we need them.  Often, they are looking for healing but have difficulty expressing their pain. Their needs are unspoken but God knows why they walk with us.

I learned that the power of prayer is huge!  I  pray as I work throughout the day – for my husband and for our congregation.  This isn’t a role for the weak at heart.  People suffer in their daily walk.  People long to become closer to and rely on God more in their sufferings; they often need a little help from a friend whether it be prayers or offering an ear.  Walking alongside them and keeping their confidence(s) is of utmost importance.

 Advice for New Clergy Spouses

Since nobody handed me a clergy spouse manual, I'm assuming one doesn't exist.  If it does, I would love to read it.  For those new to ministry I thought I'd share what I've learned so far:

Study.  Familiarity with the Word, shows us how to walk in the Word with the Body of Christ.

Pray.  Pray for and with your husband.  Pray for his flock.  Pray for those who are suffering in their daily walk.  Pray for the leadership as they work to bring the Gospel to the world and unite the Body of Christ.  Pray for those who don’t know the saving grace of Jesus Christ.  Pray for yourself – that you may be what God has called you to be as a clergy spouse.

Spiritual Warfare.  You and your spouse are on the front lines of a bitter war. Evil wants to invade your heart and soul.   Know it and guard against it with prayer.  Put on the Armor of God (Ephesians 6:10-18) every.

Priest Killers.  A new term to me but related to the above.  Be aware that there are a few who exist to destroy ministries. For more on how Evil is at work in the Church, get a copy of "When Sheep Attack" by Dennis Maynard. 

Communication.   Keep it flowing between you and your spouse.  There will be trials and tribulations to weather together.  As we support each other in ministry, open communication is essential in preventing misunderstandings and estrangement.  Because this ministry will consume much of our spouse’s time, we need to remain loving partners communicating together in love. 

Time.  When we have children, it is understood that  they will consume some (or much depending on the age and stage) of our couple time together.  As a couple, it may take some creativity and effort to make time just for the two of you but it is essential, vital even, that you make the effort.

Vocation.  Know that this is an unconventional vocation.  It is not a 9 to 5 job.  Phone calls and hospital emergencies will come at inconvenient times.

Respect for the veil of the confessional and/or counseling sessions.  There will be times when you will not be privileged to know everything that your spouse knows.  Period.

Keeping confidences.  What people choose to discuss  should never escape our mouths unless the parishioner specifically requests that it be shared.  Gossip (or what can be misconstrued as gossip) can kill a congregation.

 

Obedience.  Our husbands have responded in obedience to a call to serve Christ and His Church.  Therefore, we are called to obedience also.  Obedience to conform to the will of God for ourselves, our families and the flock He has chosen for us to shepherd.

Charity.  Pray that your heart exudes charity for your spouse, family and God’s people.  It is easy when working in a “people profession” to fall into a pattern of cynicism – especially about sin.  We are all sinful, broken people working to glorify God in a broken world. 

Perfection.  Forget about it.  It just doesn't exist in our human condition.  There is no "perfect" clergy wife.  Yes, you and your family will be scrutinized heavily as are all clergy families, however, this isn't about being perfect.  All our lives, we are called to walk with Jesus, to strive to holiness.  We walk with the broken.  Walk in faith beside them.

Politics.  Confession - I am a political animal.   I am fascinated by church politics.  I don't talk about politics with my church family but do talk about how we can best glorify God during these difficult times

Mentor/Spiritual Director.  This is not an easy vocation. At times, there will be struggles -  internal or external.  Have a support system in place before the need for support arises. 

I do so love my vicar’s wife hat.  It is made of  a rich woven fabric that is the lives of those who attend our church and beyond.  In all my years, I’ve never been a part of a faith community that truly revolves around the love of Christ.  Now, I know and am blessed by it.  They are my teachers and I try to keep my eyes  on Jesus because this is really all about Him.  This is a ministry based on relationships – as are all the roles I’ve assumed.  As long as we keep Christ in the center, we will all bear the fruits of our relationship with Him and one another.

AND glorify God!