Finding My Voice - A Journey with Selective Mutism

What does a young child do when the world around her is hostile and punitive?

What if she perceives that no one is listening?

What if she discerns that no one really cares?

Anxiety creeps in

It becomes too painful to speak and she turns inward

Inward where the love of God lives

She talks only to Him

He listens

He cares

She grows in His love

As His beloved child

Her young mind ponders His promises

And hangs on tight to His Word

Years pass

She endures many trials

Her faith unflagging

As He walks by her side

He sends her many to love

And is loved in return

She learns to use her voice

To nurture as she was nurtured

By the heavenly Father

Love

Affirmation

Truth

To bury the sins of the earthly father

Prayer Journals - Finding Peace on the Journey

“Come to me, all who labor and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest.  Take my yoke upon you, and learn from me, for I am gentle and lowly in heart, and you will find rest for your souls.  For my yoke is easy, and my burden is light.”   Matthew 11:28-30

Those of us who are raising children with special needs know many places that those who are raising typically developing children cannot know.  We have many more worries and concerns for our children.  We spend an enormous amount of time in physician’s offices, deal with multiple health crises, interact with insurance companies, see that our children receive therapies they need, deal with challenging behaviors, IEPs…

The list goes on and on.

Friends and acquaintances often wonder how we do it all.  I know you know the downward glance and the lateral shaking of heads – and sometimes wonder the same thing.

How do we do it?

We do - we do it as best we can at any given moment.

Not one of us is SuperMom. You might be wearing your SuperMom mask and cape but I know your heart.  I understand your struggles.  I wear the mask and cape too.

We wring our hands in worry.  

We tend to ruminate about our present circumstances and about future unknowns.

We often have trouble sleeping.

We may suffer bouts of depression.

We often stumble, fall and weep in our weakness.

But you won’t see it.  It usually happens when no one is watching.

In our struggles, we often forget that we are not alone.  We forget to consult the One who walks with us every moment of every day.

In our weary, overwhelmed state, we cannot see, hear or feel our Lord’s presence.

We are blind to the One who longs to offer us comfort in the midst of our suffering and the chaos that swirls around us.

Rest assured, He waits for you.  He longs to carry your burden.  

In love, He wants you to give it all to Him.

People often wonder just how to accomplish such a task.   I admit I found it a daunting task too.  But I have a tool that I use which has really helped me to see that it is possible.

Mine is a small spiral notebook which goes everywhere with me.  You won’t know it is special.  You won’t know it carries much of my heart unless I divulge its secret.

I call this little notebook my prayer journal.  The contents are what I have given over to God.  It is a tangible reminder that I am never alone.   It is immediately available just like our Lord is and it waits to hear my heart just like He does.

It is a tool that I can refer back to and see just how God is working in my life, the lives of my husband and children and in the lives of those I pray for every day.

I also find it helps me seek better ways to glorify Him along the journey.  It makes me thoughtful about my words and actions for in the end, I must be held accountable.

In my prayer journal, I record the ways in which my children with and without special needs minister to others, make a difference in this world and glorify God in the process.

It holds my failings too.  It is my safe place to pour out my mistakes, my grievances, and my pain.

The beauty of this prayer journaling is that as I write I know He hears and I can then let go. 

My burden is lightened, if not lifted, and I am free to take on whatever comes my way.

I started quite simply with three columns in my journal -  a simple plan for a simple girl.  The first column was a date for the initial petition, the second for the petition and the third for thanksgivings.  As I really began to see the works of God in my life it grew.  My prayer life began to expand along with a deepening awareness of the Lord’s presence in my daily walk.

My prayer journal started out as a tool and has become a gift.  What started out as a way to a more focused prayer life has become the way to give the Lord my burdens and my sins.  It has become a place where I know profound gratitude for all I am blessed with and by in relationship with Him.

A little nondescript notebook transformed to a place where I know the love and mercy that springs from an ever-growing intimacy with Christ.  This anxious mother and wife transformed into one who trusts the Lord in all things, has confidence in His plan and knows the peace which passes all understanding.

 I walk in amazing grace - to God be the glory.

“Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known to God. And the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.”   Phil 4:6-7

Loving My Life

I have been wearing my I love my life* t-shirt quite often these days.  It brings me great joy to display my contentment with life.  People will often smile at me comment on my shirt as if they understand.  I often wonder about their stories but usually the opportunity doesn't present itself to take the time to converse.  

I've often pondered how I would  describe the breadth and depth of that which makes up this time and place in my life so wondrous and beautiful.  If it were a tapestry, it would be woven with rich colors giving it a dimension that I think few know.  Some will not have the life experiences I know or  perhaps they feel burdened by what life has placed before them.

I understand that place too.  I've been there.

I knew a childhood filled with periods of poverty, dysfunction, abuse and pain.  I was never to know what childhood is.

I've plumbed the depths of  grief after the devastating loss of my firstborn.  A subsequent miscarriage took me back to that all too familiar place.

I understand the uncertainty of serious personal illness.

I know parenting of two children with profound disabilities.  I know their struggles.  I know their pain.

I could be a vastly different person from what I am today.  I could feel bitter and burdened by what life has put before me.  I know so many who choose that path when faced with their own personal tragedies.

Yes, choose.

I could have passively wallowed in pain and bitterness but I chose not to remain there at any stage of my life.  Sure there were times when I was too weary to move forward.  At times, I held on tightly to my pain because by letting go of it  felt like the love I'd known would vanish forever.

Instead, I choose to be grateful for what I've known and know today.

I'm grateful for the little things like my cat gently waking me in the morning with her sandpaper tongue for no other reason than she desires my company.  I'm grateful for the wagging tail of my pup that greets me in my half slumberous state when I exit my bedroom in the morning.

I'm grateful for the big things that I know in a loving husband and the sweetness of motherhood in my living children.

I'm grateful for the brief time I had with my children who now dance with angels in heaven.

I am grateful for the presence of the young lady with Down syndrome in my life and all the lessons in life that  I've learned from her and through her. 

I'm grateful for the daughter that has reached young adulthood, is successful in college who is wise beyond her years.

I'm grateful for the opportunity and blessings that come with our homeschooling lifestyle.  That lifestyle has grown us and taught us all so many valuable lessons on loving each other and learning together.

I thank God all day long for His work in me and around me.

I'm even grateful for days when the temperature reaches 104 degrees outside.

Through all my trials, I've known the love of my heavenly Father.  I've felt the embrace of my loving Savior.  The gentle nudge of the Holy Spirit in my heart calling me to new wondrous places where love resides and hope never dies.  I feel a little closer to heaven every day.

A tapestry will never do as a representation of the breadth and depth of the beauty in my life.  Words will never fully describe what a grateful heart will know in the beauty that comes with embracing what comes, living in my Father's will and letting the Holy Spirit be my guide.  I can only hope my soul will be pleasing to God when I am called home.

I do so love my life.

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*If you don't know the story of Julie and Derrick Tennant, please visit them at The Love Chromosome.  You will be inspired by their story and perhaps you will get your own t-shirt!

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Linking up with A Wise Woman Builds Her Home

Carnivals of the Church Year - Pentecost

Pentecost is approaching rapidly and my thoughts drift to the power of the Holy Spirit as displayed in my life. Those of us who worship in liturgical churches celebrate Pentecost, the birth of the early Church at the descent of the Holy Spirit after the ascension of Jesus. What follows Pentecost is known as Ordinary Time or the Pentecost Season. Ordinary Time is my favorite season of the church year. Some might think it is boring with no major feasts like Christmas and Easter but I love the stability of Ordinary Time. I love the focus on the work of the Holy Spirit in our daily lives.

The Holy Spirit is known by many names: Author of Scripture, Comforter, Convicter of Sin, Guide, Indweller of Believers, Intercessor, Revealer/Spirit of Truth, Spirit of God, Spirit of Life, Teacher, Witness etc. All are made known in Holy Scripture and related to His function or His ministry on earth. His breadth and depth are for us to discover and inwardly know -- and respond to -- as we move through our lives. We are sealed by the Holy Spirit in Baptism and marked as Christ's own. It is our duty to respond the Holy Spirit working in our lives and make Him known to all!

The Holy Spirit in Times of Deep Personal Crisis
When I look back at the most difficult time in my life, I find the time I truly discovered the depth of the power of the Holy Spirit. During this time I found a strength that did not come from me - it could only come from an almighty triune God through the Holy Spirit. As a mother anticipating the impending death of her beloved child, I was filled with a deep, searing pain beyond description. As I watched and supported my daughter, Michelle, as she suffered a slow, excruciating death and I knew deeply and profoundly that the Lord was always near and that the power of the Holy Spirit would fill me with the strength I needed to support her through her suffering and passing -- and never leave me as I grieved her loss.

Today, I live in awe – total, absolute amazement and wonder of God’s work on earth through the power of the Holy Spirit. I am humbled by the knowledge that He dwells in me - a lowly sinner who struggles and stumbles when I don't turn to God first. I am grateful for that God infused strength I know to get me through the hardest thing any parent can do - witness the suffering and death of a child...and then learn to live without the child. The strength I had during that time was truly miraculous because all I really wanted to do was selfishly lie down and die with her. I understood though, that this life wasn't really mine, but His and to be lived to glorify Him with the gifts He bestowed on me. It is my hope that I glorified Him during the deepest crisis of my life.

The Holy Spirit in More Ordinary Times

My life, for the last few years, has been chaotic to say the least. It has not been easy dividing my time between seminary and home, homeschooling my children, and giving my time and talents to the Church in a difficult political climate. I could go on and on about what has filled my hours but ultimately what it comes down to is weariness. I’ve been in survival mode for quite a long time. This is definitely not the hardest period of time in my life but it has been difficult. I freely confess my knowledge that I did not do this alone. I did it with help, for my weariness runs deep. It is only by the grace of God and the power of the Holy Spirit we not only did this but did it well! Despite the weariness, I know joy and peace because of our obedience - conforming our lives to what God has willed for us. I know a new sense of trust – trust that God has a plan and I must wait for His timing. I will know it on His time, not mine. I can rest and not worry about the details, for the details are not mine to worry about.

Every day I wake up with a grateful heart knowing God has a plan for me whether it be in my own home supporting my husband, raising and educating our children and/or out in the community. I take comfort in the power of the Holy Spirit to guide and direct me, to give me the words I need to deal with two adolescent daughters – one with significant special needs, to deal with my extended family’s ongoing crisis state, to laugh and cry with my friends as we all make our way through this earthly life. I know in a profound sense that I am never alone and He will give me what I need to sustain me and give my best, through His grace and strength, to those who travel with me on this earthly journey.

Please visit Jessica at Homemaking Through the Church Year for Carnivals of the Church Year - Pentecost.

My Faith Journey

It is my hope, as part of my Lenten journey this year, to share my faith journey. I think it is important on our faith walk to be able to share that walk with others so that they may see how God has worked in our lives, for others to know the grace we have received and just how faithful God is with His beloved children. I hope you will find a message of hope and joy in my journey with the Living God. It is truly amazing to me to look back and see His hand in my life - even when I wasn't a faithful child.

I don't know if I can tell the story in order but hopefully I can convey His work in a way that makes sense. I am going to start with my Baptism. I grew up in the Roman Catholic Church and received the the Sacrament of Holy Baptism as an infant. In the Catholic (Roman & Anglican) faith we are marked as Christ's at Baptism. We are called to a new way of life in Him and called into community with our fellow Christians. I, of course, do not remember my Baptism but I cry at every Baptism I attend. What a beautiful celebration of new life in Him as we renew our Baptismal vows and again commit ourselves to our covenant with God!

I was an odd child. I am the oldest of five children - four of us were born in five years. Needless to say, my parents were very busy during those early parenting years. I was very (possibly pathologically) quiet and introverted. As the oldest of five, I didn't get a great deal of attention nor did I demand attention from my parents - just a fact - not to say anything negative about my parents. They love me and were just doing the best they could! I did not grow up in a religious environment but my family got me to church in the early years. The greatest impression I have of those years is the parenting I received in the form of the Gospel of Jesus Christ. He spoke to me directly and reached into the lonely and dark parts of my heart and soul. I felt I knew Him intimately through His Word and He knew me! I would need Him more than I could ever imagine and am deeply grateful for the love I knew then and today!