Desert Spirituality - An Encounter with God

The veil that I spoke of in Grief in the Shadows is beginning to lift. Life has greater clarity and focus. As the veil recedes though, I have found a bit more anxiety present in my day to day activities. While pondering this, it occurred to me just how present the Lord is during my grief - whether it be in the acute phase or episodic shadow grief. I was missing His deeply felt presence associated with the veil!

Which led me to think about how we generally experience the presence of the Lord. I know He is always there but why is it sometimes He is more tangibly present?

In my daily life, I know God in many places - the beauty of His creation, His word, the sacraments, in prayer etc. During my grief journey, our relationship was a bit more intimate.


As I've said before, the loss of a child is devastating beyond description. After Michelle’s death, I felt my heart and soul were a nuclear wasteland. I had given everything I had within me to love and support my precious child during her suffering. Much of me had died with her – only a shell of my former self remained.

What was I to do? I had friends who were more than supportive. I saw a Christian therapist. I spoke with several priests who were comforting. How do you heal from the death of a child? Learning to live without her was excruciating. A still small voice whispered, “Wait upon the Lord.”

So I waited. I struggled with obedience. Life as I knew it was over. I was completely without motivation – lost in my grief. I wondered what I was waiting for.

I struggled with God. I knew He was there and desired the struggle. Where can you go if you can’t go to the Father?

I asked Him all the hard questions. Why me? I believe. I trusted you. I have always loved you and tried to serve you to the best of my ability. Why her? An innocent child created in your image. How could you let her suffer so? I yelled and screamed in my rage and He cried with me, comforting me as a Father does.

Jesus was waiting. Waiting for me to turn my eyes from what I had or didn’t have here on earth - waiting to transform my wounded heart and soul.

I thought it strange at the time, but He took me to a desert place. A place without visible signs of life. A monochromatic landscape of rolling hills of sand and rock with an occasional seemingly bottomless abyss. A place without birds or other wildlife, no flowers, trees, bushes or grass, no water. Not another human in sight. It was a place without pain or fear. In this desolate place, I rested in the love and safety of the arms of Jesus. I believe these were encounters with the Living God.

It was here that I was offered the substance of my new self – tossing away the façade that remained. A new self, based on a loving, merciful God, letting go of my chaotic upbringing and healing the past and the present.

The Holy Spirit worked to transform my heart and soul. I struggled more. I wanted to hang onto the pain for it was the only thing I had left of Michelle. Oh, I had her ‘things’ but they had become meaningless without her. The pain was a tangible connection with the child I had lost in the pain present whether awake or asleep – unless I was with Jesus in the desert. I was being asked to give it over….and I did eventually. The new, transformed self was/is not perfect. She is still sinful and broken but joyful in the transformation, edified by the real presence of God throughout my life – especially in my grief.

The work of healing after the loss of a child is to walk on holy ground. Though invaluable, the real work cannot be accomplished with a therapist, a good and dear friend or family member. It is about getting things right with God, developing a mature faith, dependent on God the Father, God the Son, and God the Holy Spirit.

I left that place a long time ago - or was it taken from me as I healed? When we visited the Holy Land in 2006, our tour made a stop in the wilderness where Jesus was tempted. Before me and all around me I saw a familiar place. I had been there in my grief. I had somehow forgotten about it as the new self developed. I wept as I was reminded how much God loves His children - so much that not one sparrow will fall apart from the will of the Father.